I am not a super dedicated yoga enthusiast. However, I do try to get to the mat at least once a week to find my breath and to take care of myself in a way that only yoga has been able to do for me. Over the past few years this semi-regular attendance has helped me in more ways that I may ever know. I’ve evolved through to more difficult levels of some asanas while others I find I have a mental or physical barrier that is holding me back. However, with all of this progression I found this evening’s class was exceptionally difficult. Not because it was so hot and humid I could barely breath during most positions and transitions. Not because my muscles felt like they were tied in knots. Not because it was a packed studio with 47 other yogis on their mats. Not for so many other reasons why hot yoga can be a difficult thing to do – or rather bring yourself to do.
Tonight was difficult because I received an email this afternoon reminding me of something I have been avoiding for too long. This something is financial based – the root of so many problems. This something is so much bigger than I thought I could handle right now. This something reminded me of past failures and made me feel terrible – sick to my stomach. My face went pale and at the time a co-worker asked if I was alright and I was suddenly on the verge of bursting in to tears over this something.This something is embarrassing but cannot be avoided anymore. Suddenly it is time to deal with this but I don’t know how.
At the beginning of class I was feeling ok – or so I thought. I ‘thought’ I could just breath through this problem and ‘everything will be ok’. What followed is why I love yoga… especially tonight.
During one pose, camel, I felt like I was going to either puke or pass out. I could barely stand on my knees – the first goal of the pose. I had to lie down immediately and try to breath. This pose usually brings up stuff and I don’t feel great about it but can usually at least hold a version of it for the duration of the hold. While lying down trying to breath this is when the tears started flowing… I instantly felt ridiculous but my body and mind needed to release and this was how and where it was happening. I’m pretty sure that the instructor could see that my face sweat was mixed with a lot of tears for the rest of class.
Throughout the last half of the class it seemed as though her calm and soothing voice was speaking directly to me with inspirational quotes and words of encouragement while guiding the class from pose to pose. While trying to breath calmly and to find peace with the final savasana I found myself being twitchy, catching my breath, tears falling to the sides of my face under my lemongrass scented facecloth and my bottom lip would not stop quivering. I kept trying to focus on my breath. The end of class closed with three chants of ‘Om’. This simple but very powerful gathering of energy was overwhelming. It gave me goosebumps. I felt like I was going to be ok.
The one quote I remember from tonight’s class was:
We are not called human doings… but human beings.
I am doing the best with being me. I have really messed up
a few lots of things in the past, learned a lot along the way and my present and future are bright with possibilities. However, I cannot move forward without dealing with this something. This something will not just go away. Only by being honest and open and asking for help will I be able to sort this out.
Thank you yoga for helping me find my breath, focus and peace with the work that lies ahead of me.